The Final Tortured Soul

Sitting in front of a computer was always so magical. Wonderful images and colors flashing on the screen. Not that anyone would have noticed the flashing. The human eye doesn’t work this way but science tells us this is so. Me being the ignorant 15 year old I was, I had no idea exactly how these wonderful devices worked. Some say ignorance is bliss, I say that’s a crock of shit. Of course I had a few things on this wonderful little contraption that I knew shouldn’t work on it. The key part of my existence slowly became media. I was always listening to music. Every morning just me and my CD Player on our way to school. My closest and most trusted friends were not people, they were devices.

Most of the time I was depressed. I was just a lonely 15 year old boy after all. Nobody ever noticed me, not that I could tell anyway. Walking to school was a struggle itself most days. So I tried to mix things up a bit from time to time by altering the path I took. Every so often I would ride the bus but mostly I just walked to and from school. It felt safer, I could be alone for this period of time. Mentally alone, couldn’t really escape my hidden desires. All I wanted was love, to get to school and have someone waiting for me.

Today was a mostly ordinary day. It was a nice Friday. Spring was finally here so there was one huge weight lifted from my shoulders. I felt lighter and as a result I was slightly happier. The largest difference in this day was that I wasn’t going home after school. I was going to my friends for the weekend. I always looked forward to going over to his place. He lived out in the country, where I found true peace and glimpses of happiness. Though there were problems with this. Problems that I could not escape, so I tried to push on. Things were always difficult but hey such was the way of things. So there I stood leaning against a locker during lunch like every day. Just me and two of my actual friends chatting.

“Hey man what’s wrong” someone said. I looked up to see who and it was my best human friend. I thought for a second, I thought I was hiding things fairly well today.

“Nothing really, just excited about this weekend. Got anything killer planned for us?” I said attempting to sound more excited than I was. Good thing I could act but I knew my eyes would betray me if he looked into them so I looked to see how the batteries were doing in my CD Player.

“Well I gotta feed the chickens.” He laughed it out. I thought this was a good thing it meant he bought my act. I needed to talk to him this weekend about something that was bothering me. Just one minor thing. He went back to talking to my other friend after I didn’t say anything. I pretended to be looking for a CD to listen to.

That was all 7 years ago though. In a way I consider it the beginning of hell that my life turned into. I was just a lonely 15 year old boy back then. Secretly wishing that one of the hotties would notice me and ask me out. I was an outcast, an underdog, but still I hoped that an attractive, fun, smart guy would notice me. Never happened though. That I believe was the ultimate trigger, the final nail that pounded into my coffin. A coffin that I slept in until I was 19. I only woke because of a very damaging event in my life. Something I did that I never should have done. I hurt my best friend badly, dealt him a very low blow. To this day I still carry the burden of that action. I still end up dwelling on it, never able to escape it but never able to come to terms with it.

It was in those 7 years of my life that I wasn’t who I am today. I was someone else, lost in a darkness that surrounded me. Every step I took was another step periods where I was so suicidal that it’s amazing I didn’t take my life. I had collapsed when I confessed my love to someone and they didn’t feel the same. Unrequited love, the most painful kind of love I’ve ever known. After that day 7 years ago I just slowly let myself fall apart. I wanted nothing but death. It’s all intertwined, and it’s very deeply intertwined with my life to this day, and will be into my distant future.

It was over 3 years ago now that I came out of that dark place. I had all but destroyed myself. It felt like I had no friends left. I was completely abandoned, though I really wasn’t. Everyone was still there I just couldn’t see anymore. I couldn’t see anyone that knew. I still debate to this day if I’ll go to my High School Reunion because of what I did. The largest differences between then and now are few and far between. Now I’m in college, I’ve got a boyfriend, and I think of myself in a good way.

It’s hard to imagine now how I managed to survive. My days were so wrought with pain back then. I do my best to avoid thinking about those days. Naturally I’m often faced with having to deal with them no matter how I feel about it. Sometimes I just want to run and keep running. Leaving everyone behind and try to start fresh with new people who wouldn’t know about my past.

Part of my problem back then was that I didn’t think right. I’ve been hurt all my life by those close to me. Always being put down and insulted. As time went on I began to become who I still am to this day. I trust no one and fear everyone. In a sense I always jump at shadows. Dawn is cracking for me though. Slow hard work has left in a stage where I’m healing.

These days I mostly think about how good I am. As opposed to 7 years ago when I thought of how no one wants me around. I realize that I’m good person now. I’m a good friend and that I do what I can for those I care for. Everyday is still a struggle though. My boyfriend is always insulting me. End result of that is I typically try to avoid talking to him most days. I sometimes wonder if I’m blind to the reality of that relationship. Other days it’s my boyfriend that keeps me going.

It’s mostly a few people that keep me going now though. I’ve lost a lot on my journey. If it wasn’t for some of my closest friends I wouldn’t be able to survive at all. I depend on them and I’m not afraid to admit this to them or anyone else. I’ve learned through my hardships that if it wasn’t for my friends and altering the way I think, I wouldn’t be in good shape.

I do my best to pass on this knowledge on to others that need it. Often times though they give off the vibe that they don’t really want help. A feeling I know as well. When I was down in that deep dark place I didn’t want anyone to help me. It was my problem and I was skeptical of everyones intentions when they tried to help me. My thoughts always screamed that they just wanted to use me for something.

In the process of feeling the way I did I actually hurt the most important person in my life. I did a great damage to him. I’ll never forgive myself for that. I also never regret falling in love with him. It’s a nasty cycle...

So there I was in my friends bedroom. We were just hanging out like usual. I was sitting on his floor with my notebooks and pens. Listening to my favorite CD at the time. I was working on drawing and writing this day. Thinking of how I could tell him that I was madly in love with him. Took me a few hours to bring up the courage to do it.

“Can we talk?” I asked him, my voice shaking just as much as my body, my heart racing.

“What about?” He asked me, looking at me carefully. I hesitated, we sat there in silence for a few minutes before I finally spoke up.

“I.... I’m not sure how to say this at all....” I spit out cautiously. I could only sit there looking at his red shaggy carpet that we always ashed our cigarettes in. “It’s just that, this is rather big ya know?” I was avoiding saying it even though I knew I had to get it off my chest. “It’s just that... I’m not straight... and that I’m in love with you...” I finally said it. I’m pretty sure I was blushing at this point. I slowly looked up at him. He didn’t respond.

That was when I told him. That was the night all the pain started. It was on that night that I lost some part of who I was. I fell into an endless spiral, spinning into a great dark abyss that eventually swallowed me whole without a fight. He did respond to after a few minutes. Told me that he didn’t feel the same. It’s never easy when your first love, your strongest love, not only doesn’t feel the same but is also straight.

I think about that turning point in my life. I don’t regret any action I took back then. What I do regret is how I hurt him years later. How I betrayed him so badly I was sure I had lost him for good. So I’ve come to realize that thinking good can be dangerous and very painful. I also know that it’s worth the risk and the pain it can cause as long as you keep thinking good thoughts.

Everyday now I find something to compliment myself on. My eyes, how I walk, some days even how I smell. It’s a good thing to do. It’s healthy because the end result is higher self-esteem and more self confidence. Some days it does go to my head. Other days it goes to my heart though. I know how to make myself look attractive now. I avoid some things naturally. I’m a work in progress. I’m being slowly raised from the deep dark cold ocean floor.

Recently things have gone south in some areas though. One of my friends, who I’ve wrote this painful snip-it of my life for, is heading down the path I was on. I’ve also been thrust into remembering the pain because of assignments in two of my college classes. I’ll push beyond this demon from my past. This demon is my past. It’ll forever be with me, haunting my every step, my every thought.